Avoid Adding Temper to the Tantrum

We’ve all done it or have at least witnessed the moment- when legs hit the grown, back stretches across the floor, and hands ball up demanding through maniac cries that you get what you want right now. A classic temper tantrum has become the symbol of children developing their own sense of selves. As parents, these are the moments we dread for fear of embarrassment or even worse, for fear that we will be labeled as unfit parents whose children are disrespectful and out of control. Waves of these feelings come over me whenever we are in public and my daughter whines when she doesn’t get that toy she wants or my son stiffens his body when it is way past his naptime and he doesn’t feel like walking on his own. While these moments are developmentally appropriate, we are critical of our parenting when they happen. Why is it that despite your stern discipline, your kids are still falling out in the middle of the supermarket?

Well, it could be a number of things. Here’s the top reasons why children have tantrums and how you can respond to save yourself from going crazy:

1. Anger/Frustration- The name says it all. “Temper” tantrums are synonymous with tantrums. Kids get mad when they don’t get what they want or if they feel like they don’t have control over the situation. For example, if it’s time for dinner and they have to suddenly stop playing with their favorite toy or they have their heart set on going to the park that day and find out that it’s not a part of the grown up’s plan.

Parent Move: While it may be challenging in the moment, try to think of things from your child’s point of view. How would you feel if you were watching your favorite TV show and someone entered the room and cut it off right at the show’s climax? Not only is this jarring, but frustrating- so instead warn your kids about transitions by setting a timer or simply saying, “You have 5 more minutes to watch TV and then it’s time to eat dinner.” (Helpful hint: When delivering this message it’s important to make eye contact and be in proximity versus yelling it across the house so that you can both acknowledge that the message was received loud and clear).

2. Desire for Attention- Some of our children are future Academy Award winners and never fail to bring the drama. They may see you from across the room and decide to show off their acting chops, because they notice that you are on your phone or engaging with their younger sibling instead of them. Kids are smart and they learn early on that big behaviors get attention and in some cases get them what they want, because they sense when we are tired, overworked, and easily frustrated and work that to their full advantage.

Parent Move: Kill them with kindness. Even though it is easier said than done, we haveto be aware of the type of attention that we are giving our children. Make sure to give your child plenty of positive attention (i.e. hugs, homework help, praise for making good choices, 1:1 time). This will help them look forward to quality time and be less likely to seek your attention in less desirable ways. On the flip side, if your child is picking up on patterns and realizes that you only give them attention when they are having a tantrum or engaging in negative behavior, they are going to continue to do the thing that gets you to pay attention to them. If tantrums persist, learn to ignore the negative behavior and your children will learn that it won’t get them the attention that they are looking for and eventually calm down.

3. Unmet Basic Needs- Especially for our kids in the “Terrible 2” phase, they don’t fully have a grasp on language yet and their crying, whining, kicking, and screaming becomes their physical way of communicating their emotional needs. As an educator, I learned to do Basic Needs assessments when my students were in crisis and this can easily be transferred to parenting. Our children have tantrums for a variety of reasons that they are sometimes unable to communicate such as feeling unsafe, hungry, tired, or sick.

Parent Move: Give your child an informal Basic Needs Assessment, by checking in to see if their needs are met. Some questions you can ask include: Are you hungry? Sleepy? Thirsty? Did something happen at school today? For kids who are unable to answer these questions on their own- we can answer them on their behalf. For instance, if your two-year-old hasn’t taken a nap, we can take action by changing the environment like playing meditation music and letting them snuggle with us until they fall asleep.

4. Feeding off Your Energy- It’s not always easy to achieve work-life balance and this can mean that we bring our negative energy home with us, whether it be a phone call that triggered you or an argument with your spouse, our kids pick up on it. That may show up by them mimicking our behavior or going into tantrum mode because they feel unsafe. When we are in a negative space, we tend to overreact and may scream at our children over something small that usually doesn’t bother us, thus opening up the gateways to their emotional reactions.

Parent Move: Check yourself. If the time and space is available to you, take some time away to process your own emotions by sitting in the car for five minutes before going into the house or taking a quick walk. As parents, we hold a lot and self-care is important to your relationship with your children. If you don’t have the luxury of stepping away, try taking a deep breath or even naming your feelings with your child. (i.e. “I’m really tired and that makes me get angry easier.”). In moments when we are feeling a lot of the same emotions that our kids might be feeling (tired, angry, etc.) it is important that we don’t match their emotions. We are the adults in the situation and it’s up to us to foster a calm environment. Try your best not to match your child’s energy or escalate their behavior further (Helpful Hint: Keep verbal responses to a five word minimum since it’s hard for children to process language in the midst of being upset or ignore negative behaviors by staying calm by distracting yourself with your thoughts, focusing on your breathing, or starting dinner).

Listening to our children cry, whine, and complain is mentally draining, especially when our adult minds realize how trivial their tantrum is in the big scheme of things. We know that not getting ice cream or losing movie time as a consequence is nothing that will be life-altering, but in their little world, this is the worst thing ever, which makes you the worst parent ever. So, while our kids are getting on our last nerve and we are ready to remind them of how privileged they are and how spoiled they are acting, it doesn’t seem to land well.

Personally, I am not the parent who spanks their child, but I have definitely been to the point of frustration, where I have considered it and literally have had to take deep breaths to keep myself from losing it. With that said, I am not always successful in curbing my emotions. I have shouted, sent my child to their room, and doled out unrealistic consequences. But really, my anger, my frustrations, my intolerance for illogical behavior was contributing to the problem.

The next time your child has a tantrum, take a deep breath and remind yourself that their behavior is not about you and how you respond will make all the difference.